If you’re anything like me then you hate haunted houses, in fact, you can’t stand being herded into dark rooms where everything is made to test your fight or flight reflexes. BUT! The Halloween season is upon us which means that one of your “friends” is sure to invite you to Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Studios Hollywood and since the fight reflex isn’t really an option when it comes to theme park security, I’m here to get you through it.

Image result for halloween horror nights halloween 4Inform your friends that if they want your friendship to continue then you will wait outside of the Halloween 4: The Return Of Michael Myers maze.

This maze’s line is through the WaterWorld amphitheater which is empty and dimly lit so the creep factor starts high before you even get into the maze. This is one of the scariest mazes in the entire park so if you wanna save yourself, tell your friends you haven’t eaten since breakfast and go get a corndog.

Image result for universal monsters halloween horror nightsDo not make my mistake and underestimate the Universal Monsters maze. The classics are classic for a reason.

Dracula, Frankenstein, the Wolfman, and the rest of the gang have been around forever BUT THEY ARE NOT @#$%ING AROUND. This gorgeous and creepy maze is actually a two-parter so right when you think you’re safe, nope, it just keeps on going. AND! The exit leads right into a scare zone. It’s downright diabolical. Respect.

Image result for terror tram halloween horror nights

Terror Tram is your time to shine and act like you’re not a complete wimp.

Terror Tram is mostly an open-air scare zone that includes a picture op at the Psycho house with Norman Bates, a chance to walk through the airplane crash scene from Steven Spielberg’s War Of The Worlds, and the scary clowns and mutant dog people that populate the attraction are more silly and grotesque than terrifying. More cool than scary, Terror Tram is also manageable because its segmented format means you get to take a small break and collect yourself before moving on to the next bit.

Image result for stranger things halloween horror nightsDo yourself the favor and work up the courage to head into the Upside Down.

If you’re a fan of the Netflix show then the Stranger Things maze is a must. This attraction feels less like a haunted house and more like stepping into Hawkins, Indiana. Don’t get me wrong, there are definitely some scares but nothing that you can’t handle, even if you don’t have telekinetic powers.

Image result for blumhouse halloween horror nightsTrick R Treat, The First Purge, and The Horrors Of Blumhouse: Chapter 2 might be options if you haven’t seen the movies.

Most of the scenes in these mazes are lifted straight from the films they’re based on so if you’re like me, your reactions might be a confused “WTF?” than a scared “Ah!” There are jump-scares and some of the scenes are a little gory but if that doesn’t freak you out then these mazes may be the ones you can join your friends on.

Image result for poltergeist halloween horror nightsThe Poltergeist maze is the best maze at Horror Nights. I’ll let you decide what to do with that information.

No matter if you’ve seen the classic horror film, this maze has some of the best production design you’ll see all night. There was a clear narrative structure so you really do feel like you’re experiencing a movie/story instead of just walking through some rooms with some scary stuff in it. The terror builds up but in a way that even a scaredy-cat like you can appreciate.