Disney can thank the pandemic for this stink bomb. Instead of wasting millions on advertising, it was able to sneak this pathetic film straight to Disney+ as of this weekend. This was yet another attempt to launch a Harry Potter style franchise, but like so many before, it fall terribly short. This is one painful Artemis Fowl review.
Artemis Fowl Review: CDC Needs to Quarantine This Movie
I had no idea his was coming until I saw the first trailer. I caught my attention and I quickly became interested. Now I wish I hadn’t. Yes folks. This movie really is that bad. I was upset with how the Percy Jackson movies came out, but this makes those look like Lord of the Rings. Fifteen minutes into this movie I was ready to shut it off.
The movie starts off with a terrible narration by Josh Gad (we’ll come back to that). He is arrested and interrogated. You see there is this thing called the Aculos. It is the key to the fairy kingdom. This Aculos gives someone access to everywhere. Someone has the Aculos. Did I mention the Aculos yet? They need the Aculos. It is all about the Aculos. In case I haven’t been clear its called the Aculos. Yup. That’s the start of the movie. Wear a helmet because you are going to be beaten over the head with it.
Artemis Fowl Review: How Can So Much Talent Fail?!
Collin Farrell, Dame Judy Dench, Josh Gad, Nonso Anozie. These are all big, talented names. How could so much talent come off so flat and terrible? Josh can get old, fast in some roles. He is supposed to be a dwarf with a deep gravely voice, but he keeps breaking into Olaf’s voice. Also, his appearance is always off because he looks like Gimli with too much eye liner. His voice is annoying no matter which tone he uses.
But destroying Judy Dench?! How does a movie do such a thorough job making such a great, talented, and proven actress come off so disastrously. They even make her voice deep and gravely like Gad’s.
Ferdia Shaw as young Artemis Fowl is even worse. The kid has zero charisma, and does nothing to either make the character believable, or make audiences care. In the scenes where he needs to act hardened and superior come off as a total joke. There is zero chemistry between him and Lara McDonnell who plays young fairy prodigy Holly Short.
Artemis Fowl Review: Lost in Translation
While I have not read the books, it feels like Artemis Fowl lost itself going from book to director to director to screenplay to director to screen. This is one of those movies that bounced around behind the scenes, and it feels like every time it did the old never went away, making a layered mess.
I have not seen a film this bad since Eragon. Artemis is supposed to be a master criminal, but Disney can’t dare have a bad guy encouraging itty-bitty children to be criminals, so of course the main character lost half his pizzazz right there. The rest is down hill from there. It comes in at a surprisingly short 1 hour, 30 minutes, but that is 90 minutes too much.
Artemis Fowl Review: Final Thought
I cannot say it any better than this:
PARENTAL WARNING: Parents do not start this movie unless you have 90 minutes to run the other way. Parental brain damage can occur.